HITCHER IN THE DARK

(Umberto Lenzi, 1989)

Mark Glazer (Joe Balogh), a serial killer with unresolved mommy issues, passes the summer by cruising the Virginia Beach coastline, offering lady hitchhikers a ride in his Winnebago of Doom. After luring them inside, he drugs, rapes, and kills them, photographs their nude corpses, then feeds them to the gators.

After a fight with her boyfriend, Kevin, PYT Daniela (Josie Bissett) accepts a ride from Mark. His intentions become clear when she awakens, handcuffed in the back of the RV: Daniela bears a strong resemblance to Mark's absentee mother, and he has a bone to pick with her. Thus begins a game of psychological and physical torture, from which Daniela must escape or face certain death.

To sum up my feelings about Hitcher in the Dark, I have one word: Filmirage. Joe D'Amato's production company put out some of the cheapest, campiest Italian horror films of the late 80's, but HITD is one of the better ones. Like it's kin, HITD is heavily padded-out, this time with many pointless scenes of college kids enjoying Summer break. Well, I'm not sure that you could call standing around and clapping your hands to cheap-ass synthpop enjoyment, but they seem happy enough to do so. Oh, and there's even stock footage of frolicking squirrels, in case the viewer grows weary of all the wet T-shirts and other beach-related shenanigans. The camerawork is also a tad bland, as it lacks most of Lenzi's endearing visual style.

Storywise, HITD brings nothing new to the table. The writing's not half bad, and one may be surprised to find the characters not behaving quite as brainlessly as in other like films. Lenzi does manage to create a bit of suspense with the cat-and-mouse antics between Mark and Daniela, as well as her various attempts at escape and their repercussions.

Shoddy dialogue aside, the acting herein is also surprisingly decent... for a Filmirage feature, that is. HITD contains little in the way of bloodshed or hardcorer violence, and so relies heavily on the actors' performances. Josie Bissett, known for her roles in The Doors and Melrose Place, plays her part competently, switching from softspoken victim to clever escape artist a number of times. Joe Balogh, who also appeared in Lenzi's Black Demons, also gets a passing grade. His character mirrors Bissett's, in that he too switches from softspoken momma's boy to raging psycho at the drop of a hat. HITD is a fairly pedestrian thriller, and it's unsatisfying ending will likely frustrate even the hardiest of viewers. I don't really recommend it, but can't say that it's a terrible film either. It's just...sort of there.

ZOMBIE 5 / KILLING BIRDS

(Claudio Latanzi/ Joe D'Amato, 1987)

Wow. With those two titles, one would expect to see either zombie hordes or hordes of zombies killing birds, or at very least zombie-killing birds. We don't get any of the above, I'm afraid.

Prologue: A soldier returns home to find his wife with another man, so he kills them, his in-laws, and their pet bird, but spares his infant son. The other birds in the aviary freak out and claw out the fellow's eye. He goes to the hospital and his son is taken away.

Skip ahead to college life in 1987: pleated pants, frizzy hair, and prehistoric computers. And really cheesy music. A group of students and a school newspaper reporter (Lara Wendel) are sent to study the rare ivory-billed woodpeckers, most recently seen near an abandoned rural property.

They come across a house and find it's inhabited by a blind man (Robert Vaughn) who could only be the killer from the beginning. After a brief, pointless exchange of words, the crew explore the neighboring property, and stumble across the original murder house, now uninhabited. They also discover a corpse in an old truck in the bush, but rather than leave and alert the authorities, they decide to hole up in the house for the night...??? They're then picked off gradually by dark forces and a couple of not-so-realistic-looking zombies. That's about it.

Zombie 5 is actually a mislabeled cursed/haunted house movie. In that sense, it's not actually as awful as wold be expected. No...I lied. It IS pretty bad. The dialogue and acting are craptastic, the plot riddled with holes and cliches, and D'Amato even copied the attic death scene from his earlier film, Anthropophagus. For the most part, the cinematography is pretty dull, with the exception of the scenes shot in spoooooky soft-focus (that was sarcasm). To be fair, the shots and lighting do improve in the last third, but too little too late.

As in other films produced by D'Amato's Filmirage (Witchery, Troll 2, etc), there doesn't seem to have been any kind of budget for lighting as the first two-thirds were shot in daylight. The makeup and special effects leave something to be desired, as does the soundtrack by Carlo Maria Cordio and his cursed Casio. Save this one for later... much later.

TROLL 2

(Claudio Fragasso, 1990)

"A triumph of low-budget artistry" - Linda Wiffler, The Regina Enquirer
"A heady blend of horror, sensuality, and wholesome family fun" - Dayton Daily
"It's the most frightening thing I've seen since Troll!" - Roger Ebert
"Deep...It poses more questions than answers." - Heather Graham

None of the critics have truly given the piece of cinematic brilliance that is Troll 2 the praise it deserves. It has something for everyone: valuable family lessons, baloney sandwiches, cringe-inducing horror, teenage homo-eroticism, 80s jazz dancing, vegetarianism, and even seduction with a cob of corn! Who could possibly resist?

I know you can't actually hear the sarcasm issued from these lips, but you get the point. I have seen a LOT of bad films, ie) A.P.E., Plan 9 From Outer Space, Manos: The Hands of Fate,etc... and I just have to say that Troll 2 takes the cake. It is the WORST MOVIE EVER MADE, and I can't stop watching it or playing it for friends. They pretend to hate me after, but they ask for a repeat sooner or later! It's a hilarious ride, packed with non-stop unintentional humor. There's also a curious amount of references to corn and baloney in Troll 2. It's like they knew!

The story goes something like this: One night, Josh's deceased grandpa Seth tells him a cautionary bedtime story about how Goblins are real, and dangerous, and if you eat the green slop they feed you, you'll turn into a green puddle of plant goo. Apparently this is the goblins' favorite food. We then find out that Josh, along with parents Michael and Diana, and sister Holly, are going away the next day on a family exchange to a town called NILBOG. Holly's closet-queer boyfriend Elliott invites his 3 closest boyfriends, and they follow the Waits family in an RV.

The people of Nilbog are a creepy lot, but show the Waits family true country Hos-Pit-Ality by leaving them a sumptuous feast of green goo-filled sandwiches, cakes, and cobs of corn. Ghost-Grandpa tells Josh, "Don't let them eat, Joshua. For the love of God, don't let them eat!" and even goes so far as to stop time for 30 seconds (aka 1 whole minute) while Josh figures out the best way to do so. And what does he come up with? In the first of many grossly inappropriate scenes, Josh climbs on the table and urinates on everyone's food.

It's all downhill from there. Seriously. Inappropriate. And gut-bustingly hilarious! After the dinner incident, the Waits are left without any food, so Michael and Josh go into town the following morning. There Josh discovers that Nilbog is actually Goblin spelled backwards, and that his family is in grave danger, as are Elliott's friends. Of course Michael doesn't believe him, so it's just Josh and Grandpa Seth versus the goblins! Oh, the excremen- er- excitement!

I totally gave away the story, but who cares? Really, you just have to see it. For starters, it has NOTHING to do with trolls; just goblins in horrible papier mache masks who carry flimsy spears. There's about 7 goblins, and even after they die they keep popping up in other scenes. Then there's the lazy camerawork. The bad synthesizer soundtrack by Carlo Maria Cordio that sounds like a leftover from '85. The stilted, redundant dialogue. The many continuity errors. The pointless scenes inserted to pad it out. The scenes that were all shot in daylight because there WAS no budget for lighting (or, I daresay, a budget at all!). The green Jello and artificial plant bits that make up the bulk of the special effects (and boy are they special!)

How about the fact that when Grandpa Seth appears to Josh in the mirror, his head is HUGE, and he looks like a hammy old Wizard of Oz wannabe? Or that Grandpa Seth can magically stop time, swing an axe, shoot lightning bolts, and conjure up molotov cocktails, but can't even find Josh's room? Or The 30 year old woman whose face is made-up to look 80 while the rest of her body is young? How about the end, when the world is saved by... oh, I can't give that away!

And now, about the cast. Seriously, this is the worst acting I've seen this side of an autistic childrens' play. Come to think of it, that may be where they sourced the cast. Josh looks constipated in every scene, and has some major booger-control issues. Holly doesn't even sound like SHE believes the things that come out of her mouth as she reads the cue cards. Michael constantly looks pissed off AND confused. And the witch, Credence Leonore Gilgood (of ancient druid origins!), takes overacting to a whole new level.

Then there's the mother, Diana. She really should have received an award for her performance. She looks frightened and sketched-out, and is easily the most convincing of the "thespians" at hand. I fell for her when I first heard her say to Josh, "Grandpa Seth has remained in all our hearts, but you must banish him from your mind." Word for word. Brilliant.

Now seriously, who is responsible for this mess? Is it Carlo Maria Cordio and his Casio? Perhaps costume designer Laura Gemser? (Yes, you heard right. Oh mighty Emmanuelle, did it hurt when you hit the bottom?) Was it producer Joe D'Amato of Anthropophagus notoriety? NO! It was CLAUDIO FRAGASSO, that asshole who shat out those cinematic turds "Zombie 3", and "Beyond Darkness", that same asshole who penned the stories that hackmaster Bruno Mattei directed. THAT Claudio Fragasso. But really, I ought to thank him for changing my world. I will never again look at a cob of corn, a baloney sandwich, or a Garfield T-shirt without the fondest of memories. You won't regret buying it. It's the best $10 you will ever spend. Buy it here.

Diana - "Michael...who are the goblins?"