RATS - NIGHT OF TERROR

(Bruno Mattei / Claudio Fragasso, 1984)

In the year 2015, the world is destroyed by nuclear bombs (it IS likely, haw!) and most humans now live underground. They are an advanced society, though they consider surface dwellers as savages and maintain no contact with them.

In the year 225 AB (After the Bomb, not Alberta) a ragtag group of futuristic bikers (and by futuristic, I mean devastatingly 80s) are in search of sanctuary. They hole up in an abandoned laboratory (complete with wall-sized computers and other scientific-looking bits), where they find food and water. Little do they know the surrounding area is swarming with intelligent (more so than the humans), carnivorous rats!

Crapmaster Mattei does it again, this time with the incredibly talented and underrated Claudio Fragasso *haw!*. He's churned out yet another racist, sexist, and generally z-grade George Romero knockoff, and boy is it entertaining. How do I even begin to tear this apart? Hell of the Living Dead (Night of the Zombies) was Mattei's answer to Dawn of the Dead, so Rats must surely be a ripoff of Night of the Living Dead, except with rats instead of zombies. Why else include scenes of pointless infighting and barricading of doors, not to mention the corpse "reanimated" by being filled up with rats?

Rats does feature gore and nudity, neither of which is terribly convincing. The rats appear to be thrown at the actors, with the exception of the one that crawls up a girl's hoo-hoo. Yup, that actually happens! Hilariously, one corpse literally explodes from the pressure of the rats built up inside. Again, this happens all the time. If anyone's to blame here, it's makeup artist Maurizio Trani, also of Troll 2 fame. But then again, what kind of makeup would one expect from a Trani? *haw haw*

The film's opening music is seriously grating, but the rest of the soundtrack is passable sci-fi bleeps and bloops. Storywise, there's nothing new to take away from Rats. Except the twist ending; it's a definite head-scratcher. At least Geretta Geretta's (Demons, Murder Rock) in this. Recommended only for heckling. Makes a great double feature along with Troll 2. Buy it here.

ZOMBI 3

(started by Lucio Fulci, finished by Bruno Mattei...dear gawd...1988)

A warning to the viewer: if you wish to kill yourself in a slow, agonizing manner, purchase Zombi 3 here. I thought I'd give you a heads-up just in case I don't survive the review. Oh yeah, it's another survivors and scientists versus zombies and the military movie. Like we needed another.

2:20 PM
So here it is; the film that broke Fulci's spirit. You know a product is rotten if Fulci wouldn't even complete it. They had to bring in Bruno Mattei to finish it. Oh yes, and it's written by CLAUDIO FRAGASSO, creator of such cinematic abortions as Troll 2. Someone please stop me.

2:40 PM
I've delayed as long as I can. I'm going to brave Zombi 3 a second time so I can get some screenshots. Dear God, please help me. Really...I'm crying out for help, but no one's listening! Alright, I'm doing it then. Fine. I'm really going to do it. This may well be the end of me.

4:00 PM
I did it. I acshuly watched it again, and madeit out with minml brain dmg. What a horribleugly movie. Makes no senses. How didthe zombie head fly out of the fridge and why is everything soft-focusss?? It stars Deran Serafian and Beatrice ring Deranserafian n Betricering?whydoes theasian djsound like hesblack?

4:30 PM
notsure what happind the last 30mins i dont remember anythig...ZOMBI3!!!OHGOD I remembernow, plez go away...the acting! the dialogues n...owwww THE MUSIC pleasestopthemusic...zombie birds???

7:00 PM
i raped my headwith a towl now my ears r bleading and all I can here is stefano mainetti andhis cursed casio im goig tocallthe hospitl fragassoYOU BASTARDWHATDID U DO TOM E?

1:00 AM
woke up inapuddle of brains npiss bythe fone n my hed hurts youbastards i WANtmy head back

12:30 PM
Am going to kill the roommate for putting acid in my protein shake again. Now what was this all about?

HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD aka Night of the Zombies aka Virus

(Bruno Mattei/ Claudio Fragasso, 1980)

"Operation Sweet Death must be considered a complete failure," intones a scientist as the Hope Center research facility is enveloped in a cloud of toxic gas and overrun by a mob of zombies. With a name like Operation Sweet Death, one would assume it was a resounding success, but I digress.

Somewhere else in the world, a group of eco-terrorists have taken hostages and demand that the Hope Centers are shut down. Their plans are foiled, however, by an anti-terrorist task force in a sequence eerily reminiscent of the opening shoot-out in George Romero`s Dawn of the Dead. With this pointless detour aside, the four soldiers (Mike, Vincent, Zantoro, and Osborne) are sent to New Guinea on a new top-secret mission (*stifled giggle*).

We are then introduced to another group of irritating characters, this time two parents (Josie and her bitchy, nameless husband), their ill son, and their reporter friends Lia and Max. Josie`s son has been bitten by a zombie (guess where this is going), and the group have stopped at an abandoned mission to find help (I repeat, guess where this is going). Naturally, they are attacked by the living dead, but Lia and Max are saved in a nick of time by the Fearless Four. They take off into the wilderness, where our lucky viewers are treated to a seemingly endless torrent of stock footage of animals and tribes NOT native to New Guinea.

Lia, in a flash of anthropological genius, advises the group that they can seek help from a nearby tribe, but only after she has introduced herself to them. By introduce I mean she removes her shirt, paints herself up with makeup she just happens to have, and JOGS into the village topless. See it to believe it, folks!

The group are invited to sit around and celebrate (as the forest crawls with zombies, no less), but the party is soon interrupted by the reanimated corpses of the recently dead that are on display in the village. The absolute highlight of this scene is when, after being alarmed by the panicking villagers, one of the soldiers (with gun in hand!) actually pushes a native down as he tries to escape. In the ensuing jeep ride out of the village, the protagonists actually say that the natives had it coming as they kept the corpses of family in town! Politically correct this is NOT!

The remainder of the movie follows our hapless heroes as they drive around, tour empty buildings, drive around, and tap dance in drag before being consumed like screaming cans of Fancy Feast. End of film. Thank Gawd!

Hell of the Living Dead is a racist, sexist, and altogether pointless film. To call it a cheap Dawn of the Dead knock-off would be a disservice to George Romero AND the word cheap! Romero`s not the only one emulated, though, as Mattei and Fragasso also clearly tried to cash-in on the success of Lucio Fulci`s Zombie and City of the Living Dead. They also borrowed most of the music from Goblin`s Zombi and Contamination scores. On a side note, the electronic pieces that were actually created for Hell of the Living Dead are pretty good; now back to the cons.

The acting here is decidedly sub-sub par, and I`m sure cardboard cut-outs of actors could display more range. The dialogue, a continuous source of unintentional hilarity throughout, is daft, offensive, and poorly translated. The story itself is a poorly-conceived hodgepodge of scenes from more popular films that is padded out with nonsensical detours and lapses in logic and continuity. In short, EVERYBODY needs to see this movie! The gore and zombie makeup are actually fairly well-executed, and few viewers can experience Hell of the Living Dead without busting a gut and possibly shedding a tear or two. Buy it here.