MASSACRE

(Andrea Bianchi, 1989)



Alas, only two more Bianchi reviews and it's DONE! Can you tell I'm getting tired of scraping the bottom of this particular barrel? Massacre is another classy, quality production from the director of such cinematic greats as "Malabimba The Malicious Whore" and "Strip Nude For Your Killer". Okay, so it's a bit of a stretch to call this classy, quality, OR cinema.



The film starts, promisingly enough, with a hooker being decapitated on the side of the road. We then cut to a girl with monstrous eyebrows meandering through a graveyard at night. We learn, thanks to some cheap latex masks, that this is the old "movie-within-a-movie" gag, and the girl is our leading lady, Jennifer. We also learn that her eyebrows are actually real. The production, "Dirty Blood" appears to be a curious hodgepodge of horror elements with no real story. A commentary by Bianchi on the industry? Let's not go that far.



We are then introduced to the rest of the cast and crew. There's Robert, the abusive director, and the producer, Frank. There's also actors John (the pretty boy), Mira (the predatory lesbian), Adrian (the flaming-gay guy), Lisa (who is dating Robert and screwing John), and Gordon (owner of the worst 80s apparel imaginable). Oh yes, and Jennifer's policeman boyfriend, Walter. The cast are invited to a seance, a move that Frank feels will help move his film in a horrific new direction. In a seemingly pointless scene, an evil entity breaks away from the table and runs rampant. The cast and crew, predictably, start to disappear one by one (or two by two, as the ending dictates!)



If you've seen any of Andrea Bianchi's other work and weren't impressed, then steer clear of Massacre! All of the things that make his films so terrible (and so very wonderful!) are present, including his trademark use of the unsteady-cam. Viewers' senses will also be assaulted by a barrage of ugly actors (with the exception of Walter- woof!), naked women, and misogynistic violence. This time 'round we also get two homophobic stereotypes!



Frustrating to some will be the complete lack of logic within the film, from the characters' continuation with the production despite their dwindling numbers to the logic behind having a seance as a means of sparking creativity, an idea that leads to the filming of Adrian in drag as Liza Minelli. Horrific new direction, indeed!
Also amusing are the hastily-written subtitles, which provide a lot of unintentional laughs. For the duration of a scene, the actors refer to a "Jack", who comes up as "Rack" in the subs. I also laughed aloud when, whilst a hooker and a fat old man are making out in a car, the words "I know what you mean. I hope it doesnt take too long." come up on the screen even though no one is talking!



The music in this ranges from ear-splittingly bad 80s High NRG to some surprisingly creepy horror synth. The gore and special effects seem to have about the same range, varying between fake-looking rubber hands and properly-colored blood. I don't recommend you rush out and download this (there's no dvd yet), as it's really just another example of why and how the genre died out. MTR3K fans, however, will rejoice.

MALABIMBA THE MALICIOUS WHORE

(Andrea Bianchi, 1979)



With a title like that, how can you lose? I've saved the absolute sleaziest of the Exorcist spin-offs to conclude Possession Week. This title is pure Bianchi, from the music that was later recycled in Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror to the villa that was later reused in Burial Ground, to actress Maria Angela Giordan, who was later recycled in...oh, you get the picture! Buckle your seat belts and get ready for copious amounts of naked ugly people and female masturbation!



A perverse, foul-mouthed demon is summoned during a seance in a decadent villa. It leaves the group of table-tappers and attempts to enter the body of Sister Sofia (Maria A Giordan), who drives it away by holding her arms in a cross above her head. It then heads to young Bimba's room and seduces her with a gust of wind and a wind-up puppy dog. (?)



Bimba then goes on a XXX rampage! She starts innocently by mouthing-off her grandmother and grabbing the butler's crotch, then she masturbates while spying on her mother and someone who is not her father. Things really start to take off when she gives her teddy bear a candle for a phallus, exposes herself at a party, and tries to make out with her dad. In one (I repeat, ONE) of the more tasteless scenes, she kills her grandfather by giving him a blowjob and, consequently, a heart attack! In another equally squalid scene, she seduces Sister Sofia then JAMS her hand into the poor nuns hoo-hoo. I'm sure this was meant to signify the transferal of the demon into Sofia's body, as she jumps off the roof shortly thereafter! End of film.



Anyone sitting down to watch this needs to keep a few things in mind. First, a Bianchi film (and I use that term loosely) is going to be choc-full of misogyny. Women exist in his films for the sole purpose of whoring themselves around, getting slapped about by the male leads, and then dying violent deaths. This film is no exception! There's even vagina trauma in this, something of a trend in Andrea's work. Second, the acting is LAME. Worse than, say, Inferno-lame. Finally, he didn't seem to be a very creative fellow, as he borrows aspects from a lot of other movies. The close-ups of eyes, in the tradition of Lucio Fulci, come to mind, as does the fact that the few horror movies he made were all spin-offs of slightly more popular films. That doesn't mean they aren't greasy, good entertainment! Check it out, but make sure you're grandmother is in bed first! Or your grandfather... Buy it here.

BURIAL GROUND The Nights Of Terror

(Andrea Bianchi, 1981)



If you are reading this and you haven't yet seen Burial Ground, do place your order right now. If I can't convince you, maybe THIS stellar cast will!



Still not convinced? How about the groundbreaking special effects?



When the zombies are smarter and more physically attractive than the actors, you KNOW it's gotta be good! Mystery Science Theater EAT YOUR HEART OUT good! Where to begin? How about the incest? OK fine, how about the lousy dubbing? Or the even lousier dialogue? Favorite quotes include "Mama, this cloth smells of death!" and "You look just like a little whore...I like that! The makeup and other effects are incredibly thrifty, to put it kindly. And the zombies are pretty organized in this movie! They all have matching green robes and use a variety of farming implements to break into the house. I learned that zombies are also expert knife throwers, can scale walls, and have pinatas for heads!



Ahhhh, the cast. Other than Maria Angela Giordan aka Mariangela Giordano aka the woman who gets a firepoker in her hoo-hoo in Patrick Still Lives, where did they find these people? Whose barrel did they scrape? Judging from the fact that they shot most of this during the day, presumably to save on lighting, there probably wasn't much in the budget for the cast. I'm almost positive the actors drew matches nightly to see who didn't get to eat! Oh, and I should probably mention Peter Bark, the adult in a floppy wig who is supposed to be a kid in this. There, I just did. See to Believe.



Oh ya, and the story...three semi-retarded couples and a mature-looking kid go to stay at their archaeologist friend's villa, which happens to be situated close to some Etruscan tombs that are filled with zombies. Much stupidity ensues. HIGHly recommended for the non-stop laughs and schizophrenic soundtrack!

Buy It Now!