DINNER WITH A VAMPIRE

(Lamberto Bava, 1988)

A foolish camera crew discover a crypt, and within it the withered corpse of an ancient vampire of Mesopotamian origins. One of the crew scratches himself (of course), the blood drips onto the corpse (as would be expected), and the vampire is almost instantly revived. He then kills the crew (naturally!).

Fast-forward to 1988. A group of 20-somethings are auditioning for a chance to be in the latest horror film by avant-garde director Jurek (George Hilton). After a few scenes of horrible dancing, poor acting, and weak singing, we are introduced to the winners: Rita, the blonde singing sensation (haw!), Sasha, the brunette stage actress, and Monica the redhead whose dancing consists of hopping about like a Mexican jumping bean. With Sasha's man-friend Gianni in tow, they set off to Jurek's castle to meet him in person.

Once there they are introduced to an assortment of bizarre servants before meeting Jurek. After dinner and a creepy black and white home movie, Jurek informs them that he is actually an ancient vampire who has grown weary of living but cannot destroy himself or tell anyone else how to. He then advises them of his true intentions for inviting them to his home: he wants them to find a way to kill him before dawn, or he will do the same to them. Oh yes, and crosses, stakes, and garlic have no effect on him!

I initialy went into DWAV with a sour taste in my mouth. A horror comedy by Lamberto Bava? Does the world really need this? It's actually not as bad as one would expect, but by no means does this imply that it's a great film.
The special effects are incredibly cheesy, what with the spiders and bats on strings, the stop-motion animation, and a hilarious chest-ripping scene. On another sad note Lamberto pretty much ripped off his two Demons films and pasted them right into this one. Must have run out of ideas. And it shows.

On the upside, it's somewhat entertaining. There's a fair bit of funny dialogue amidst the crud, and George Hilton definitely makes a splash with his over-the-top vampire hamming. Bava again proves that he's more than competent with the technical aspects of film making. The location/ sets are absolutely breathtaking in their use of colour, lighting, and texture. The camerawork and compositions are also top-notch, and the soundtrack though disposable, works. And Jurek is one ugly f*kin vampire in true form! Recommended only for completists.

CONTAMINATION

(Luigi Cozzi, 1980)

An unmanned ship drifts into New York Harbour, and first to arrive on the scene are Lt Tony Aris and a crew of hazmat-suits. In the hold they discover the grisly remains of some of the crew, and a hoard of green, football-shaped eggs. One of the suits, cautious and intelligent no doubt, picks up an egg only to have it explode, spraying his colleagues with a corrosive greenish fluid as well. And then... they explode, with guts and gory bits bursting from their chests! In slow-motion!

Tony, the only survivor, is taken by government forces for decontamination and questioning. He meets the icy and somewhat wall-eyed Col Stella Holmes, who for some dubious reason enlists his aid in the case. While discussing the matter, Sheila suddenly recalls a description of the eggs by an astronaut, Ian Hubbard (Ian McCulloch), upon his return from Mars some time prior. Yes, Mars. Hubbard, we learn, was ridiculed and let go after the incident, leaving him a self-pitying alcoholic recluse.

Sheila convinces Hubbard to travel to South America with her and Tony to investigate the UniverX coffee plantation, which they suspect is the source of of the green pods. Why the US government would send a cowardly Col, a policeman, and an alcoholic ex-astronaut to save the world instead of, say, an army, is completely beyond me, but they do. The trio's arrival is not unnoticed, as the owners of the plantation have been tipped off and have a large, one-eyed surprise waiting for them!

Hackmaster Cozzi does it again! This Alien-"inspired" title offers dear viewer a heaping helping of horrible dialogue, gory chest explosions, and an outstanding soundtrack by the legendary Goblin.Wow, is this ever a gulity pleasure. Cozzi's love of sci-fi really shines through in this epically low-budget treat. Hmmm... checklist time!

Alien Cyclops? *check*
Green Eggs? *check...but "Where's the ham?", one may wonder...*
Helmets and Space Suits of Questionable Usefulness? *check*
Scale Models as Sets? *check!*
Panels With Blinking Lights and Knobs? *double-check*
Drunken Has-Been Astronauts? *just one... oh, THERE'S the ham!*

Contamination is definitely worth a watch or two. As previously stated, the dialogue is absolutley ridiculous, a detriment worsened (or, for some, improved upon) by the atrocious acting and overdubbing. The cheese quotient is further upped by the ridiculous, hole-filled plot with it's many lapses in logic and continuity. Oh, and did I mention the Alien Cyclops? Truly "special" effects there! Contamination's saving graces, few as they may be, are the body count and accompanying gallons of blood, and the awesome music by Goblin. This is by far one of their creepiest and most memorable synth-heavy soundtracks, portions of which were "borrowed" for use in other horror films. Recommended!

SOMETHING CREEPING IN THE DARK

(Mario Colucci, 1971)

This little Gothic number concerns a group of strangers who, due to the washing out of roads during a storm, are forced to seek shelter in a seemingly abandoned villa. The group consists of WASPish couple Donald and Sylvia Forrest, Professor Lawrence, Dr William and his secretary Susan, as well as two policemen, Insp Wright and Det Sam, and a convicted murderer, Spike, who is tenuously in their custody.

Upon reaching the house they discover it is occupied by an odd fellow by the name of Joe, who we later learn keeps a nameless woman holed up in an upstairs room. Initially Joe refuses to admit the group, but the police throw their weight and demand entry. It turns out there's no phone in the place, so they settle in to wait out the storm. After a brief bit of snippy conversation it comes to light that the villa was the former residence of one Sheila Marlow, a woman said to have been a powerful occultist who died by diabolic means.

Mrs Forrest suggests a seance to pass the time, which is met with differing levels of enthusiasm. The seance proves to work, as Mr Forrest is briefly possessed before a window implodes. After this point, the angry spirit of Sheila Marlow (or Something, as the title suggests) starts to randomly possess the others, with results varying from awakening repressed sexual desires to multiple murders.

To this day I'm depressed that Something Creeping In The Dark has not yet had a proper cleanup and rerelease. Fans of Mario Bava and (especially) Riccardo Fredas' Gothic horror output will rejoice upon discovering this title, as it contains all of the classic elements, but with a slightly quicker pace. The shot compositions, minimal lighting, and odd angles are unabashedly akin to Freda's, though much more refined, and the Morricone-meets-Pre-Goblinesque soundtrack keeps things moving at a refreshing pace.

Though slightly campy, I found the creepy psychedelic visual sequences to be strangely effective. I can't say that at any time was I actually horrified while watching this, but there are several standout scenes that provide a good dose of suspense and general weirdness: Mrs Forrest's sadomasochistic daydream, the seance possession bit, and Sheila Marlow's attack on the policeman. Yep, bizarre stuff! Recommended, though one will, for the time being, have to dl it or find a bootleg. Best of luck!